I've heard people say that infertility and adoption are two separate things. I think today I began to really comprehend that sentiment. We've been walking down this infertility road for 4 years now. Some reactions become almost reflexive... such as every month when I'm the tiniest bit late - wondering yet again if maybe we're pregnant. And the hope returns like a flash flood filling every part of my heart and brain. Now that we're adopting - my reactions have been VERY different. Well, that's not totally true - the first part, the deluge of hope and desire - yep, still there. But, its what comes after that's been different. Now - there's this incredible warring of emotions.
You see, I still
want to be pregnant and experience the biological side of being a parent. I want to feel and know what women have felt and known since the beginning of time. But - the horror and guilt of wanting that crushes my heart, leaving me battered and bruised emotionally. I suppose I've been attempting to mentally beat those desires out of myself. Because, well, we're adopting! I'm not supposed to want that. I'm supposed to have mourned that loss and moved on! Those desires don't have any place showing their painful, ugly, all-consuming selves!
Then, on the heels of those emotions are disappointment. I don't want to be pregnant now, because it will "mess" all these plans up! We're adopting! I want to meet this child who has already begun growing in my heart! I want to provide a home and love for a child that needs us. And we've already told a million people and I wouldn't change that! So many people have joined us - such incredible encouragement and support. Not to mention financial support; what would I say if we were pregnant? Oh, never mind!... we're pregnant now. But, I couldn't do that - this child of my heart is already ours. We don't know who or what or when... If we did get pregnant now - I would still be full of grief - for the loss of this little one that I don't know or feel.
As a result of all this excessive thinking and "feeling" - I think I've come to realize that these desires - one for a biological child and one for an adopted child - are 2 different desires. The same end result - a child. But, two separate and good desires. Neither wrong nor better. Just different. Unfortunately - they are both strong and emotional and currently, achingly painful.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I'll always desire a biological child or if upon holding our adopted child will that all fade away? I know I'm tired of unknowns and I'm tired of emotions - but both are inescapable. So - I'll return to the One who does know and I'll rest tonight in His arms. And pray for Him to take this pain and use it for something bigger than me. And I will rest - because I know He will.
