24 June 2010

Our home study is officially done!  We've turned everything in but a copy of my life insurance that we're still waiting for.  Our social worker is writing our official document and our official wait has begun!

This phase of our adoption has taken so long.  I noticed last week that our little hunneybaby ticker was sitting on the 9 month mark!  I suppose officially we began our adoption journey 9 months, 1 week and 3 days ago.  At first, I was chaffing under the way it was so drawn out.  But, now looking back - I'm very thankful it took so long.  God worked in my heart so much over the last 9 months!

Perhaps I should have shared more of that on this blog for you all to read.  But, it seemed so personal and frankly, ugly at times - it was too hard to share.  It made me too vunerable.  You all would have cringed and run in the opposite direction!  Okay - I know that isn't really true.  But, I hate the ugly parts of me - those dark nasty corners of selfishness and fear and self-righteousness and perfectionism...  sigh.

Moving on...  getting ready for this home visit was quite the stress-inducing freak-out time for me!  I think I was going more crazy for this than anything else in my entire life.  We had lots of help getting ready - Cory's parents and my parents and my sister and her family!  Plus, all the people that volunteered to help, but I was too stressed to figure out how to delegate.  (Thank you to everyone who offered!!!)

Monday night, Cory and I laid in bed talking.  I think we've both begun to realize that we could be parents in as little as 7 weeks!  (or as much as 3 years or more...)  After having my sweet little niece here, Cory also started to realize how much stuff you need to take care of a baby - and how we don't really what we need...  so, he said I could go shopping!

13 June 2010

Jewelry

I've heard / read / etc about adoptive families giving their birth mama's a specific piece of jewelry.  On one of the 16 and Pregnant episodes on MTV, the birth mom, adoptive mom, and the baby all had a piece of jewelry to wear.  I really loved this idea.  And so have been hunting and hunting for something I like...  I suppose we'll have to wait and see the personality of our b-mom to see if she'll also like it.  But - for now, I'm lovin' this designer's work!  Kinda thinking I want an anklet, so that I won't ever have to take it off...  but - not quite sure...  thankful for some time left to decide.  :)

10 June 2010

"Mom"

I read quite a few adoption blogs - blogs by birthmoms & adoptive moms.  I've noticed a trend of calling the adoptive mom "Mom" and then the birthmom by her first name.  I guess in my mind, I've always just thought we'd both be called mom.  Maybe I would be just "mom" and our child's birthmom would be "mom __(insert first name or nick name)__".

Now, I'm wondering why that isn't more common?  The adoptive moms' blogs I read are confident, secure women.  They have good relationships with their birthmoms and don't seem intimidated or afraid of each other.  So, I don't think that is really factor.  Maybe because the child could be confused?

I haven't read about this in any of our adoption books yet either.  I think I need to find some adoption books specific to open adoption rather than just general adoption books.  (Of which some have been seriously frustrating... but I suppose that is a post for another day.)

07 June 2010

Update

Our final home study appointment is at the end of this month!  We are really getting excited!  Cory is finishing his last required adoption book as I write this.  I have a few more chapters in mine.  All of our references are in.

We finished some major house projects (not necessarily needed for the home study, but they make me feel significantly better about showing someone our home!) i.e. kitchen cabinets refinished and painted a pretty mother-of-pearl white (thanks Mom H!) and this cool little concrete well so when our basement starts to flood the water will be contained and then pumped out (thanks Dad H!).  Cory and I also moved the guest room to the little bedroom and painted it a really pretty blue!  Currently, the soon-to-be nursery is a huge messy pile of odds and ends that I need to sort through and throw out of organize.

I'm working on our profile book and hoping to have it done by the 10th - so that I'll get 30% off and free shipping.  I'm really enjoying the process of making it!  I figured out you can scan pics at Sam's Club and then they'll burn onto a CD for only $2.25!  Its been great to create some graphics that are girly and pretty rather teen-focused.

Well - off to work on our profile book!

01 June 2010

Joy & Pain

I have come to realize that while adoption will bring me great inexplicable joy - adoption will bring Her incredible gut-wrenching pain.  My arms will be full.  Her arms will by empty.  For years I have mourned in the midst of others' joy.  Soon - I will be the one whose heart sings while Her heart cries.

How can I be happy when She is in such pain?  How will I gaze into the face of my child knowing he is Hers?  How can I rejoice knowing my gain is Her loss?

Cory and I watched Juno this past weekend.  Forever etched into my mind will be the scene of Juno laying in her sterile hospital bed weeping.  Weeping of her broken heart - for her loss, for her son.  The next scene is of Vanessa, the adoptive momma, and her baby cuddled together in her big fluffy bed.

I feel so selfish to mourn my own loss in this.  That I cannot anticipate the coming of my child without my own heart breaking for Her.  I don't want to carry Her pain.  I want to be deliriously happy that I will be a mom.  But, instead - I weep.  I weep for Her.

I will not be capable of erasing her pain, but I pray we will not cause her more pain.  But, that we will pour out love to Her.  I pray that as we parent our child, we will not disappoint Her.  Rather that we will give her reasons to smile and peace for her heart.