I have come to realize that while adoption will bring me great inexplicable joy - adoption will bring Her incredible gut-wrenching pain. My arms will be full. Her arms will by empty. For years I have mourned in the midst of others' joy. Soon - I will be the one whose heart sings while Her heart cries.
How can I be happy when She is in such pain? How will I gaze into the face of my child knowing he is Hers? How can I rejoice knowing my gain is Her loss?
Cory and I watched Juno this past weekend. Forever etched into my mind will be the scene of Juno laying in her sterile hospital bed weeping. Weeping of her broken heart - for her loss, for her son. The next scene is of Vanessa, the adoptive momma, and her baby cuddled together in her big fluffy bed.
I feel so selfish to mourn my own loss in this. That I cannot anticipate the coming of my child without my own heart breaking for Her. I don't want to carry Her pain. I want to be deliriously happy that I will be a mom. But, instead - I weep. I weep for Her.
I will not be capable of erasing her pain, but I pray we will not cause her more pain. But, that we will pour out love to Her. I pray that as we parent our child, we will not disappoint Her. Rather that we will give her reasons to smile and peace for her heart.
Oh Shanna, we will be praying for your child's birth family now. That the Lord will comfort and be with them in a mighty way. The Lord has already chosen you and Cory to be someone's mommy and daddy, and you will not dissappoint, you'll make mistakes but we all do. What an absolutely incredible heart you have that will surely be revealed to the birth family if not through you then in some way .... thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. Both my brother and sister were adopted. I wonder why joy and pain are so closely intertwined?
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing such a beautiful and emotional thought with us Shanna. A perspective that not all of us would have seen...I will pray that the Lord gives her peace in the middle of those gut wrenching moments. Amy P.
ReplyDelete