a big update

yup...

shanna's pregnant!

it was quite a shock to both of us when we found out back in late august. at that time, things were in full swing with the adoption. we told our social worker right away, and still offered our continued support and commitment to the birthmom we were matched with if she still wanted to go through with the adoption. since that didn't end up panning out, per agency policy the adoption is now on hold until sometime after baby #1 is born. God's timing is funny sometimes.

we are overjoyed and ecstatic to say the least. and at least for now i think we're past the confusion stage. as you can imagine initially there were all the questions like "where was this 3 years ago???" and "why now of all times???", etc. ...that doesn't mean we weren't/aren't grateful (we're overjoyed and ecstatic)...it was just a lot to swallow at the time.

here's what we know:

1. medicine and biology have a place... but ultimately God is the one who opens and closes doors.

2. God's sovereignty (in all areas of life) is bigger than we can fathom.

3. statistically, only 4% of couples struggling w/ infertility who engage in the adoption process then go on to conceive.

4. it's hard now to be on the other side and tell our friends who are still struggling to get pregnant.

everyone seems healthy and doing well. we saw the little heart beat at an ultrasound a few weeks ago! shanna is currently at the 12 week point, and the due date is May 5th.

wow

Cory and I want to thank everyone for the incredible outpouring of love and support in regards to our adoption. As some of you know, we were matched with a potential birth mom shortly after coming home from Mozambique.  All plans were a go, even after the baby's birth in mid-September.  However, after loving on her little girl for a few days and some other awesome things...  the mom decided to parent.  While our hearts our sad, we're super excited for the family that God reunited.  Thankfully, we had worked hard to guard our hearts and even tried to prepare for this situation.  There are many details, but many of them just aren't our story to tell.

So, for now, we continue walking with only enough light to see the next few steps and occasional glimpses into the future.  We will update as we're able.  Thank you for sharing this journey with us and for praying.

Nursery Progress...

*Please note the Steeler-themed stroller.  Yes, I did choose a stroller simply because it is black & gold!  Much to my sweet husband's chagrin.  

Lisa Leonard Designs

I think I've blogged about this site before and how much I loooove this jewlery - especially with our birthmom in mind (and me of course! haha).  Lisa is having a giveaway today on her blog to her store (and target) because it is her birthday and I'm so super excited about it!  :)  Which item from her store is your favorite?  

Here are some of mine! (Definitely can't pick just one...)
Necklaces:

• Together
• Heartstrings
• the Original
• Little Feet (with our baby's name?)
• Mama

Bracelet: 

• Large Link Charm

For Cory:

• Rectangle KeyChain

Soon???

Yah...  I think its setting in that we might actually have a little human being to take care of 24/7 all by ourselves.  That is really kinda scary!  We're leaving for Mozambique and when we get back we're going to be running!

My mom and I'm not quite sure who else, but the more the merrier (I just discovered we have a outlet for a camper out back, so bring it on!), will be arriving soon after we return to paint and decorate the baby's room.  And we have to find a pediatritian and I'm not exactly sure what else...  so I'll be taking some books along to Mozambique to get my head organized.

Generally, I've avoided researching anything of substance that is about babies / parenting / what to expect that first year???  Because well... it just felt wrong.  So, now, realizing that this could happen very quickly - I'm - well, what am I feeling?  I'm not overwhelmed or panicky.  Actually, I'm kinda excited!  Excitedly anticipating...  this is a new emotion and its AWESOME!

Here's a peak at some of our baby stockpile...  We're going to have a girl and a boy outfit to bring the baby home from the hospital.  Cory picked out the boy outfit.  :)

Our home study is officially done!  We've turned everything in but a copy of my life insurance that we're still waiting for.  Our social worker is writing our official document and our official wait has begun!

This phase of our adoption has taken so long.  I noticed last week that our little hunneybaby ticker was sitting on the 9 month mark!  I suppose officially we began our adoption journey 9 months, 1 week and 3 days ago.  At first, I was chaffing under the way it was so drawn out.  But, now looking back - I'm very thankful it took so long.  God worked in my heart so much over the last 9 months!

Perhaps I should have shared more of that on this blog for you all to read.  But, it seemed so personal and frankly, ugly at times - it was too hard to share.  It made me too vunerable.  You all would have cringed and run in the opposite direction!  Okay - I know that isn't really true.  But, I hate the ugly parts of me - those dark nasty corners of selfishness and fear and self-righteousness and perfectionism...  sigh.

Moving on...  getting ready for this home visit was quite the stress-inducing freak-out time for me!  I think I was going more crazy for this than anything else in my entire life.  We had lots of help getting ready - Cory's parents and my parents and my sister and her family!  Plus, all the people that volunteered to help, but I was too stressed to figure out how to delegate.  (Thank you to everyone who offered!!!)

Monday night, Cory and I laid in bed talking.  I think we've both begun to realize that we could be parents in as little as 7 weeks!  (or as much as 3 years or more...)  After having my sweet little niece here, Cory also started to realize how much stuff you need to take care of a baby - and how we don't really what we need...  so, he said I could go shopping!

Jewelry

I've heard / read / etc about adoptive families giving their birth mama's a specific piece of jewelry.  On one of the 16 and Pregnant episodes on MTV, the birth mom, adoptive mom, and the baby all had a piece of jewelry to wear.  I really loved this idea.  And so have been hunting and hunting for something I like...  I suppose we'll have to wait and see the personality of our b-mom to see if she'll also like it.  But - for now, I'm lovin' this designer's work!  Kinda thinking I want an anklet, so that I won't ever have to take it off...  but - not quite sure...  thankful for some time left to decide.  :)

"Mom"

I read quite a few adoption blogs - blogs by birthmoms & adoptive moms.  I've noticed a trend of calling the adoptive mom "Mom" and then the birthmom by her first name.  I guess in my mind, I've always just thought we'd both be called mom.  Maybe I would be just "mom" and our child's birthmom would be "mom __(insert first name or nick name)__".

Now, I'm wondering why that isn't more common?  The adoptive moms' blogs I read are confident, secure women.  They have good relationships with their birthmoms and don't seem intimidated or afraid of each other.  So, I don't think that is really factor.  Maybe because the child could be confused?

I haven't read about this in any of our adoption books yet either.  I think I need to find some adoption books specific to open adoption rather than just general adoption books.  (Of which some have been seriously frustrating... but I suppose that is a post for another day.)

Update

Our final home study appointment is at the end of this month!  We are really getting excited!  Cory is finishing his last required adoption book as I write this.  I have a few more chapters in mine.  All of our references are in.

We finished some major house projects (not necessarily needed for the home study, but they make me feel significantly better about showing someone our home!) i.e. kitchen cabinets refinished and painted a pretty mother-of-pearl white (thanks Mom H!) and this cool little concrete well so when our basement starts to flood the water will be contained and then pumped out (thanks Dad H!).  Cory and I also moved the guest room to the little bedroom and painted it a really pretty blue!  Currently, the soon-to-be nursery is a huge messy pile of odds and ends that I need to sort through and throw out of organize.

I'm working on our profile book and hoping to have it done by the 10th - so that I'll get 30% off and free shipping.  I'm really enjoying the process of making it!  I figured out you can scan pics at Sam's Club and then they'll burn onto a CD for only $2.25!  Its been great to create some graphics that are girly and pretty rather teen-focused.

Well - off to work on our profile book!

Love For Orphans Transforms

Article by Jedd Medfield / President of Christian Alliance for Orphans

Joy & Pain

I have come to realize that while adoption will bring me great inexplicable joy - adoption will bring Her incredible gut-wrenching pain.  My arms will be full.  Her arms will by empty.  For years I have mourned in the midst of others' joy.  Soon - I will be the one whose heart sings while Her heart cries.

How can I be happy when She is in such pain?  How will I gaze into the face of my child knowing he is Hers?  How can I rejoice knowing my gain is Her loss?

Cory and I watched Juno this past weekend.  Forever etched into my mind will be the scene of Juno laying in her sterile hospital bed weeping.  Weeping of her broken heart - for her loss, for her son.  The next scene is of Vanessa, the adoptive momma, and her baby cuddled together in her big fluffy bed.

I feel so selfish to mourn my own loss in this.  That I cannot anticipate the coming of my child without my own heart breaking for Her.  I don't want to carry Her pain.  I want to be deliriously happy that I will be a mom.  But, instead - I weep.  I weep for Her.

I will not be capable of erasing her pain, but I pray we will not cause her more pain.  But, that we will pour out love to Her.  I pray that as we parent our child, we will not disappoint Her.  Rather that we will give her reasons to smile and peace for her heart.            

Final Homestudy

We're almost to the end of the home study process!  Our last appointment is the end of June.  We have a few things left to accomplish...  some required reading, several house projects (cleaning, rearranging, painting,...), and our profile book finished and printed.  Between now and then - Cory and I will be doing all of the aforementioned projects, plus preparing for our trip to Mozambique, Africa.  During our Africa trip, our social worker will be writing the official home study document.  From what I understand this is a long and involved document that our social worker will spend a lot of time writing up.

Weird Dreams...

Last night I had a dream about our adopted baby...  We brought her home, but instead of being a couple of days old I thought she seemed a couple of weeks old.  Then, I kept laying her down in really weird and unsafe places...  But, my Nan (my dad's mom) was here and she would just pick the baby up and hold her.  WEIRDNESS.  I think it was a combination of reading some adoption forums last night and planning a trip to my sister's to spend time with her and my new niece.  Not sure why my Nan kept showing up and saving the day...  but that was kinda cool.

Did you have any weird dreams before your little one came home?  
  

Hunneyman Adoption Fundraiser

Our Longaberger Love Fundraiser is officially over.  Check out our HelpHunneymansAdopt Blog to see the winners.

On the Move...

Our third appointment is done!  This one seemed to take the longest for us to get through.  Life was just so busy and stuff kinda daunting (like writing that stinking autobiography and finding a new doctor...).  But, finally it is history.  So, now we wait for references to filter in, read three books each (which we already have a good start!), clean & organize the house from top to bottom, call our life insurance guy to get me enrolled, and make good headway with our profile book!  The home study finish line is in sight!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is our 3rd (of 4) homestudy appointments!  All of our homework is done and turned in.  This will probably be our longest appointment.  We'll each have individual interviews and have to fill out a long questionaire.  I really like our social worker - she's kind and thorough.  I'm not nervous - actually I'm kinda excited.  :)
After this - we'll have to get our will together, some life insurance for me, and clean our house like crazy mad!  Plus our profile book - which I've already started.  And I guess we'll find out if there is anything else tomorrow.  Here's a preview of our first page:  

*and a disclaimer - this will probably change a million times.  So, don't be surprised if you see our book and this is not the first page.  :)
**Paper and swirlies by Shabby Princess
***Picture by Amy Price

Infertility & Adoption

I've heard people say that infertility and adoption are two separate things.  I think today I began to really comprehend that sentiment.  We've been walking down this infertility road for 4 years now.  Some reactions become almost reflexive...  such as every month when I'm the tiniest bit late - wondering yet again if maybe we're pregnant.  And the hope returns like a flash flood filling every part of my heart and brain.  Now that we're adopting - my reactions have been VERY different.  Well, that's not totally true - the first part, the deluge of hope and desire - yep, still there.  But, its what comes after that's been different.  Now - there's this incredible warring of emotions.

You see, I still want to be pregnant and experience the biological side of being a parent.  I want to feel and know what women have felt and known since the beginning of time.  But - the horror and guilt of wanting that crushes my heart, leaving me battered and bruised emotionally.  I suppose I've been attempting to mentally beat those desires out of myself.  Because, well, we're adopting!  I'm not supposed to want that.  I'm supposed to have mourned that loss and moved on!  Those desires don't have any place showing their painful, ugly, all-consuming selves!

Then, on the heels of those emotions are disappointment.  I don't want to be pregnant now, because it will "mess" all these plans up!  We're adopting!  I want to meet this child who has already begun growing in my heart!  I want to provide a home and love for a child that needs us.  And we've already told a million people and I wouldn't change that!  So many people have joined us - such incredible encouragement and support.  Not to mention financial support; what would I say if we were pregnant?  Oh, never mind!...  we're pregnant now.   But, I couldn't do that - this child of my heart is already ours.  We don't know who or what or when...  If we did get pregnant now - I would still be full of grief - for the loss of this little one that I don't know or feel.

As a result of all this excessive thinking and "feeling" - I think I've come to realize that these desires - one for a biological child and one for an adopted child - are 2 different desires.  The same end result - a child.  But, two separate and good desires.  Neither wrong nor better.  Just different.  Unfortunately - they are both strong and emotional and currently, achingly painful.

I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know if I'll always desire a biological child or if upon holding our adopted child will that all fade away?  I know I'm tired of unknowns and I'm tired of emotions - but both are inescapable.  So - I'll return to the One who does know and I'll rest tonight in His arms.  And pray for Him to take this pain and use it for something bigger than me.  And I will rest - because I know He will.  

International Adoption Debate

There are a bunch of bloggers out there that have adopted and discuss serious adoption issues on their blogs.  This specific blog is one I really enjoy.  "Rage Against the Minivan".  I love to read Kristen's perspective on stuff - not simply regarding adoption, but also life in general.  Obviously, I don't agree with everything, but her words stretch and challenge me.  Her husband was in ministry, they've struggled with infertility, and have 2 sons through transracial adoptions - a few points of similarity between us.   

I need adoption

This post is specifically interesting to me.  Cory and I were visiting with friends last weekend and discussing international adoptions - discussing differing POV's and pro's and con's.  My sister is Chinese and joined our family 3 years ago.  She was a teen when she was adopted which gives her story another interesting angle.  It isn't really my story to share.  But, it does give me reasons to be really thinking about international adoptions.

Mondays...

Mondays are our day off.  So - today is the day when we crank out adoption stuff!  (plus puppy stuff, house stuff, laundry stuff,...  you get the picture)  Today, we started the day with blood work for the home study.  My veins usually don't like to share.  But, thankfully, I got a really good tech today!  Only 1 poke and I was good to go.  What a huge relief!  Over the past year of infertility crud, I've come to understand the plight of pincushions.  I'm really hoping this will be the last blood draw for a good long time.  Cory, of course, had no problem.  His veins pop-out like a relief map.

We did our physicals last week.  We had to find a new doctor, so it was the first visit with Dr. N.  His daughter is adopted.  It has really begun to amaze me how adoptees & adoptive parents are everywhere!  I love it!  :)  Adoption is such a huge deal, but at the same time - its just a part of life.  So many people all around us have been touched by adoption.

The same thing happened when we started telling people about our infertility.  Women would share their story with me or their daughters or sisters or ...   We were at a Casting Crowns concert on Friday night.  (Totally awesome!) and Mark Hall reminded us how Satan loves to make us feel like we're "the only one".  We're the only one to experience or struggle with fill-in-the-blank.  When in actuality - there people all around us experiencing the same stuff.  I've come to know this more and more lately...

We have to write our autobiographies and then we'll be able to schedule our next home study appointment #3.  Then - all that's left is our fourth appointment - which will be here at our house.  Checking our basements/attics/etc.  I'll be a cleaning machine!  (If anyone is bored and feels like painting kitchen cabinets or scrubbing bird poop off the sides of houses...  let me know!!!)  We also have to get our profile books done.  Which are kinda like scrapbooks explaining how incredibly wonderful Cory and I are!  haha. 

So - I'm off to write a paper - the first one since college.  Thankfully, I know a lot about the subject matter. 

Fundraiser

Hey Everyone! 

The fundraiser for our adoption is now LIVE!  Jump on over to our Help Hunneymans Adopt blog to join in the fun!  :)  

Exposure

Two really cool things happened this weekend! 

1.  Last night we had a LYA (or Lakeshore Young Adults) gathering.  After the gathering, we sat around talking...  Some of the other women asked me how our adoption was going.  They were really truly interested.  I think most people are.  But, it was just cool to share with them because you could see the excitement in their eyes.  One of the women was adopted from Colombia. She loves the fact that she was adopted and hopes to adopt someday as well.  I was encouraged.  I'm at a point right now where I need to hear the good stories.  I need to know from people who have been through it - that adoption is a beautiful thing and that adoptees are not only whole, but also happy.  

2.  This morning was "Second Saturday Synergy" at LCC - this occurs monthly and this month was a focus on pastors.  From Lakeshore, but also from surrounding churches.  I didn't know what to expect and didn't really think about it because - well, I'm not the pastor.  But then - Mike got up and started explaining how they were going to lay hands on the pastors and pray for them and their families...  at that point, I was ready to bolt.  Prayer-things are a struggle for me.  They cross over into areas I haven't studied out (but should) and when I have to touch people and and other people start claiming promises (that God never promised me) I get really weirded out.  Thankfully, God allowed me to be in a group that I was comfortable with.  Everyone prayed for adoption and the process and patience and ...  Then, Pastor Vince (our senior pastor) prayed for us as we form our family during the large group prayer time.  It was really cool.  I don't even know exactly why - I just know it was incredibly encouraging and gave me the push I needed.

We're still waiting to finish this next section of our homestudy.  We have doctor appointments scheduled and clearances sent in and ...  we still have to finish our autobiographies.  (Something I've been avoiding.)  So - not much forward progress at this time.